Are We Best Friends?

13 hours ago

5 min read

Building Friendship Inside Your Marriage

Marriage is about love, commitment, covenant, partnership, and building a life together. But there is another part of marriage that can make the journey especially meaningful:

Friendship.

When we ask ourselves the Pillow Talk question, “Are we best friends?”, our answer is easy. Yes. We genuinely consider each other best friends.

But we also recognize that every married couple cannot say the same thing.

Some couples deeply love one another but don't necessarily feel like friends anymore. Somewhere between careers, children, bills, responsibilities, church, family obligations, and simply trying to keep life moving, their friendship became less of a priority.

They aren't necessarily in a bad marriage.

They may simply have stopped enjoying each other.

So perhaps the better question isn't only, “Are we best friends?”

Maybe it's:

“Are we intentionally building a friendship inside our marriage?”

Marriage Doesn't Automatically Create Friendship

Saying “I do” makes you husband and wife, but it doesn't automatically make you best friends.

Friendship has to be cultivated.

Think about the qualities we value in our closest friendships: trust, honesty, laughter, loyalty, acceptance, emotional safety, shared experiences, encouragement, conversation, and simply enjoying being together.

Those same things matter in marriage.

You can share a house, raise children, pay bills, attend church, sleep beside one another every night, and still gradually stop knowing one another.

Friendship adds something different.

It says:

“I don't just love you. I like you.”

“I don't just live with you. I enjoy doing life with you.”

“I don't only want to know what you did today. I want to know what's happening inside of you.”

That kind of connection doesn't happen accidentally.

How Do Married Couples Stop Being Friends?

Usually, couples don't wake up one morning and decide, “We're not going to be friends anymore.”

It happens slowly.

Conversations become almost entirely transactional:

“Did you pay the bill?”

“Who's picking up the kids?”

“What are we eating?”

“What time will you be home?”

“What do we have going on this weekend?”

Before long, the marriage is functioning like a well-managed organization.

Everybody knows their responsibilities.

Everybody knows the schedule.

But nobody has asked:

“How are you really doing?”

Children can also become the center of the relationship. Couples become excellent parenting partners but gradually forget how to be husband and wife.

Phones and social media can quietly replace conversation.

Unresolved disagreements can make vulnerability feel unsafe.

Date nights disappear.

Laughter becomes less frequent.

And sometimes friends, coworkers, or relatives begin receiving the emotional intimacy that once belonged primarily within the marriage.

Here's an interesting question to consider:

Who gets the first version of your story?

When something hilarious happens, who do you immediately want to tell?

When something hurts you, who do you call?

When you receive wonderful news, whose name comes to mind first?

When you're afraid, disappointed, confused, or excited, who gets the unfiltered version of you?

Having close friendships outside marriage is healthy. But if your spouse consistently becomes the last person to know your heart, it may be time to intentionally rebuild connection.

Best Friends Keep Learning Each Other

One of the biggest mistakes we can make in marriage is believing:

“I already know my spouse.”

You may know who your spouse was when you married them.

But do you know who they are now?

People change.

Dreams change.

Priorities change.

Fears change.

Interests change.

Faith deepens.

Life experiences shape us.

The person you married 10, 20, or 30 years ago has experienced things that have changed them—and so have you.

That's why friendship requires curiosity.

Try asking:

“What are you excited about right now?”

“What's been weighing on you lately?”

“Is there something you're dreaming about that we haven't discussed?”

“What do you need more of during this season?”

“What makes you feel closest to me?”

“What would be fun for us to do together?”

Don't assume you already know the answers.

Sometimes one meaningful question can open a conversation you didn't realize your marriage needed.

Sometimes You Need to Have Fun Again

Marriage can become incredibly serious.

There are bills.

Careers.

Children.

Health concerns.

Aging parents.

Ministry.

Household responsibilities.

Financial decisions.

And sometimes couples need permission to stop managing everything for a few hours and play again.

You don't need an expensive vacation.

Play cards.

Cook together.

Dance in the kitchen.

Take a drive with no particular destination.

Go fishing.

Go skating.

Play a game.

Watch something funny.

Take a day trip.

Sit outside and talk.

Listen to music from when you were dating.

Bring back an inside joke that only the two of you understand.

Ask yourself:

When was the last time we really laughed together?

Sometimes your marriage doesn't need another serious conversation.

Sometimes it needs another good memory.

Friendship Needs Emotional Safety

There is another side of friendship that goes deeper than having fun.

Your spouse needs to know:

“I can tell you the truth.”

Can your spouse tell you:

“I messed up.”

“I'm afraid.”

“I don't agree.”

“My feelings are hurt.”

“I'm struggling.”

“I feel insecure.”

“I need something different.”

“I need your help.”

And still feel loved?

Being best friends doesn't mean agreeing about everything.

It means creating a relationship where both people can be honest without automatically fearing ridicule, rejection, punishment, or having their vulnerability used against them later.

Healthy friendship says:

“You can be honest with me, and we can work through this together.”

That doesn't mean accepting disrespect, dishonesty, abuse, or unhealthy behavior. Boundaries and accountability still matter.

But truth grows where emotional safety exists.

What If We're Not Best Friends Right Now?

Maybe you're reading this and thinking:

“We used to be.”

Then perhaps your friendship doesn't need to be replaced.

It needs to be rediscovered.

Or perhaps you're thinking:

“We've never really been best friends.”

That doesn't necessarily mean you can't become closer.

Friendship can grow.

Start small.

Don't try to transform your entire marriage this weekend.

Start with one conversation.

Ask your spouse:

“What would make you feel more like my best friend?”

Then do something surprisingly difficult.

Listen.

Don't defend yourself.

Don't explain why they're wrong.

Don't immediately tell them what they need to change.

Listen.

Their answer may give you a roadmap back toward one another.

Try the 7-Day Best Friend Challenge

For the next seven days, intentionally invest in your friendship.

1. Ask: “What would make you feel more like my best friend?” Listen without becoming defensive.

2. Remember: Talk about one of your favorite memories from dating or early marriage.

3. Laugh: Do something deliberately fun together.

4. Learn: Ask your spouse something meaningful you haven't asked in a long time.

5. Disconnect to reconnect: Put away the phones and screens for at least 30 minutes and talk.

6. Enter their world: Participate in something your spouse enjoys, even if it isn't normally your thing.

7. Date your friend: Go somewhere together—not simply for romance, but to talk, laugh, dream, and enjoy one another.

At the end of the seven days, ask:

“What felt different between us this week?”

Your Spouse Can Become Your Person Again

There is something beautiful about being able to introduce someone and say:

“That's my husband.”

“That's my wife.”

But there's something even deeper about being able to say:

“That's my person.”

That's the one I laugh with.

That's the one I talk to.

That's the one I trust.

That's the one who knows the parts of me everyone else doesn't see.

That's the person I want beside me when life is wonderful—and when everything feels like it's falling apart.