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What Is One Habit We Need to Change in Our Marriage?
Pillow Talk Episode 6
What Is One Habit We Need to Change in Our Marriage?
Marriage is built through more than the big moments.
It is built in the everyday routines—the way we greet each other, the way we speak when we are frustrated, the amount of time we spend on our phones, how we handle money, how we show affection, whether we pray together, and even how we respond when our spouse simply wants our attention.
Over time, those small behaviors become habits.
Some habits strengthen a marriage. Others slowly create distance.
That brings us to our Pillow Talk question for Episode 6:
What is one habit we need to change in our marriage?
It sounds simple, but answering it honestly can open the door to a powerful conversation.
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Marriage Has Habits Too
We usually think about habits individually.
Maybe you want to exercise more, drink more water, stop procrastinating, save money, or spend less time scrolling on your phone.
But marriages develop habits too.
Couples develop patterns for how they communicate, disagree, spend time together, show affection, make decisions, handle responsibilities, and connect spiritually.
Some couples have healthy habits:
- They kiss each other goodbye.
- They check in during the day.
- They pray together.
- They laugh often.
- They intentionally make time for one another.
- They apologize when they are wrong.
- They discuss decisions before making them.
- They express appreciation.
- They protect time for intimacy.
- They regularly say, “I love you.”
But unhealthy habits can develop just as easily.
Maybe every disagreement turns into an argument.
Maybe phones have become permanent dinner guests.
Maybe you spend more time discussing bills, children, work, and responsibilities than you do talking about each other.
Maybe affection has slowly disappeared.
Maybe one spouse has developed the habit of shutting down whenever something uncomfortable comes up.
Or perhaps you have both simply become so busy that your marriage is receiving whatever energy is left over.
Most unhealthy marital habits don't begin with someone deciding, “I'm going to create distance between us.”
They happen gradually.
And sometimes we don't recognize the pattern until someone finally asks:
“When did we start doing this?”
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A Habit Doesn't Have to Be Huge to Hurt
Sometimes we expect marriage problems to look dramatic.
Infidelity.
Financial betrayal.
Constant fighting.
Separation.
But relationships can also be weakened by smaller behaviors repeated consistently.
Consider the difference between something happening once and something becoming a pattern.
One distracted conversation probably won't damage your marriage.
But constantly looking at your phone while your spouse is talking can eventually communicate:
“What is happening on this screen is more important than what you're saying.”
One sarcastic comment may be brushed off.
Constant sarcasm can create an atmosphere where your spouse no longer feels emotionally safe.
One missed date night isn't a crisis.
But repeatedly postponing time together can eventually make two people who love each other feel like roommates.
The danger isn't always the size of the behavior.
Sometimes the danger is the frequency of the behavior.
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What Has Become “Normal” in Your Marriage?
Here's where the conversation gets interesting.
Every marriage eventually creates its own version of normal.
But normal doesn't automatically mean healthy.
Maybe it's normal for you to go to bed angry.
Maybe it's normal to interrupt each other.
Maybe it's normal for one person to handle everything while the other waits to be asked.
Maybe it's normal to spend the entire evening on separate devices.
Maybe it's normal to complain about your spouse to other people instead of talking directly to them.
Maybe it's normal to stop dating once life becomes busy.
Maybe it's normal to pray individually but rarely pray together.
Maybe it's normal to say what's wrong but rarely say what's right.
The question isn't simply:
“What do we normally do?”
The better question is:
“Is what we normally do helping us become the couple we want to be?”
That's a very different conversation.
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Don't Use This Question as an Opportunity to Fix Your Spouse
This episode's question can go wrong very quickly if we're not careful.
“What is one habit we need to change?”
can easily become:
“Let me tell you everything YOU need to stop doing.”
That's not the purpose.
Pillow Talk isn't supposed to become a late-night performance review.
This conversation should create reflection, not defensiveness.
Instead of saying:
“You are always on your phone.”
Try:
“I think we've gotten into the habit of being on our phones when we could be connecting with each other. What do you think?”
Instead of:
“You never listen to me.”
Try:
“I think we've developed a habit of trying to respond before we really understand each other.”
Instead of:
“You don't make time for me anymore.”
Try:
“I think we've allowed everything else to become a priority, and we need to become more intentional about protecting time for us.”
Notice the difference?
One approach identifies an enemy sitting across from you.
The other identifies a problem the two of you can stand together against.
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Start With Yourself
Before identifying your spouse's habit, consider your own.
Ask yourself:
What do I regularly do that may be making our marriage harder?
That's a difficult question.
Maybe you interrupt.
Maybe you become defensive.
Maybe you shut down.
Maybe you avoid difficult conversations.
Maybe you expect your spouse to know what you need without communicating it.
Maybe you criticize more than you encourage.
Maybe you're constantly distracted.
Maybe you keep score.
Maybe you hold onto offenses longer than necessary.
Maybe you assume negative intentions before asking questions.
Maybe you have stopped initiating affection.
Maybe you've allowed work, ministry, parenting, social media, hobbies, or other responsibilities to receive the best parts of you while your spouse receives what's left.
Growth becomes powerful when both spouses can say:
“Here's something I can do better.”
Not:
“Here's everything you need to change.”
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Replace the Habit—Don't Just Remove It
One of the best ways to change an unhealthy habit is to replace it with a healthier one.
Instead of simply saying:
“We're going to stop being on our phones so much,”
decide:
“We're putting our phones away for 30 minutes every evening so we can talk.”
Instead of:
“We're going to stop arguing about everything,”
try:
“When a conversation gets heated, we're going to pause, calm down, and return to it respectfully.”
Instead of:
“We don't spend enough time together,”
decide:
“We're protecting one evening each week for us.”
Instead of:
“We need to pray more,”
choose:
“Before we go to sleep, we're going to pray together—even if it's only for two minutes.”
A vague intention says:
“We need to do better.”
A healthy plan says:
“This is what we're going to do differently.”
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Small Changes Can Create Big Shifts
Don't underestimate what one changed habit can do.
Imagine what could happen if you intentionally developed the habit of:
Greeting each other warmly when you come home.
Saying thank you more often.
Putting the phones away during meals.
Kissing each other goodnight.
Praying before leaving the house.
Checking in emotionally once a day.
Having one distraction-free conversation every evening.
Complimenting your spouse.
Going to bed at the same time occasionally just so you can talk.
Scheduling regular dates.
Asking, “How can I support you today?”
Saying, “I was wrong. I'm sorry.”
None of these things seem revolutionary by themselves.
But repeated consistently?
They begin changing the atmosphere of a marriage.
Because healthy marriages aren't created by one incredible Valentine's Day, anniversary trip, or romantic weekend.
They're usually created through ordinary love practiced consistently.
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Tonight's Pillow Talk
Get comfortable, remove the distractions, and talk about this together:
What is one habit we need to change in our marriage?
Then go deeper.
Ask each other:
When did you first notice this becoming a pattern?
How do you think this habit affects our connection?
How does it make you feel?
What am I contributing to this pattern?
What could we do differently?
What healthier habit could replace it?
What would our marriage look like six months from now if we actually changed this?
And finally:
What's one small thing we can start doing tomorrow?
Don't try to repair your entire marriage tonight.
Choose one habit.
One adjustment.
One commitment.
One intentional change.
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Give Each Other Grace While You're Growing
Remember that habits take time to change.
You may agree tonight that you're going to communicate differently and still fall into the old pattern next week.
That doesn't mean the conversation failed.
It means you're human.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is awareness, accountability, grace, and consistent growth.
When one of you slips back into the old habit, instead of saying:
“See! You never change!”
try:
“I think we're falling back into our old pattern. Can we reset?”
Marriage needs room for resets.
You aren't simply trying to prove who is right.
You're learning how to become better partners to one another.
A Biblical Reminder
Romans 12:2 teaches us about being transformed through the renewing of our minds.
Transformation often requires us to recognize patterns that no longer belong in the life God is calling us to live.
That principle applies to marriage too.
Sometimes God strengthens our marriages by showing us something that needs to change—not because the marriage is failing, but because the marriage is growing.
There may be habits from your childhood.
Habits from previous relationships.
Habits developed during stressful seasons.
Habits created because you were protecting yourself.
Habits you didn't even realize you had.
You don't have to remain trapped in them.
With honesty, prayer, grace, accountability, and intentional action, new patterns can be created.
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Before You Go to Sleep…
Look at your spouse and ask:
“What's one habit we could change that would make our marriage stronger?”
Then listen.
Don't defend.
Don't interrupt.
Don't prepare your rebuttal.
Listen.
And when it's your turn, speak with love.
Because sometimes strengthening your marriage doesn't require some enormous breakthrough.
Sometimes it begins with two people lying beside each other saying:
“This isn't working for us anymore. Let's change it together.”
That's partnership.
That's intentional love.
And that's what Pillow Talk is all about.
Pillow Talk Challenge
For the next seven days, choose one unhealthy habit to replace with one intentional act of love or connection.
At the end of the week, ask each other:
“Did you notice a difference?”
You might be surprised by how much one small change can change the atmosphere of your marriage.
Keep talking. Keep listening. Keep learning each other. And most importantly, keep choosing each other.
Covenant Circle Marriage Ministry — Strengthening Love, Faith, and Partnership.
I published my new episode Pillow Talk Ep. 6 What Is One Habit We Need To Change In Our Marriage, please check it out
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